Burnout

July is a month that tests my physical and mental resilience, but I'll be proud (and uncontactable) when it's over

Ben Stokes’ display of mental and physical endurance during the third Test at Lord’s against India last week not only had me mesmerised by my favourite active athlete, but summed up the annual event I experience called ‘July’.

I would go to war for England’s inspirational Test skipper, although he’d probably do all the fighting for me.

I felt several emotions as he put his reconstructed body through what were previously relatively regular and iconic lengthy bowling spells that showed no regard for his wellbeing. Fear that a knee would go and he’d never be seen again, thrill from seeing this incredible figure continue to give his all when nothing was left in the mind or body to win a thrilling battle, and a degree of second-hand tiredness. His battered body at the post-match presentations as the Player of the Match attempted to pluck words from a soul that needed a lengthy rest reaffirmed my admiration for this incredible leader, while also made me feel like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

That’s how July feels like for me. An annual event. I don’t have the weight of a nation on my shoulders, but there is a bit too much going on, most of which I need to deal with myself, and quite a lot of burnout.

It’s the busiest time, with the greatest responsibility, from a photography perspective. Duties for Kent in the packed Vitality Blast schedule and Charlton Athletic as pre-season begins. For both, a combination of travel and pressure (it’s the only time of year when I’m leading photography duties for Charlton, and it’s impossible not to feel some degree of anxiety before and extreme self-criticism after, as much as I value the opportunity and wouldn’t change it) is ultimately physically and mentally draining.

Then there’s my yearly passion project/head crusher, editing Charlton’s Annual Handbook. This is my fourth year of doing it and there is nothing I have been more proud of, it’s such a privilege and an honour. I’m so grateful that I’m asked back to do it every year.

But it’s stressful. Stressful based on the volume of work, based on my desire for perfectionism and fear it won’t appease everyone who touches it, and based on the amount of communication that’s needed between different parties when I’m not a very good communicator. I get anxious and I get overwhelmed, albeit every year has worked out okay in the end, my anxiety has been self-inflicted, and there’s a product I’m so proud to hold in my hands.

I will go to my grave before giving myself credit for anything, but the Handbook might be an exception. I hope that’s the case this year. I absolutely need to feel that pride after the stress and burnout.

Then there’s real-world work. Real-world work has been particularly stressful this month for a variety of reasons. The challenge there is that having the energy to do Handbook editing or spend time travelling around for photography duties after successive stressful days of work probably equates to what Stokes has left seven overs into a 10-over spell. Nothing left, but you’ve got to get it done.

Then you’ve got to try and stay fit, eat properly, sleep properly. Not doing those things destroys me mentally and physically, makes work even harder, and brings about epilepsy-related concerns. You’ve also got to allow yourself some time to rest.

That’s all taken a hit in the past week in particular. Particularly the sleep. I’m writing this at 1:30am.

On top of that, I have no time to dedicate to working on addressing the mental health challenges I experience, which should always be priority number one for me. I’m much better at managing it all, and I’m supported by a fantastic therapist, but it’s a consistent need to work hard to both maintain the level I’m at and prevent it from coming crashing down. It feels like a month where I have to block that out and pay no attention to it, then it hits in a heavy way.

When this is all over, I’m going to the Edinburgh Fringe for a week. Uncontactable during the day because I’ll be asleep, and uncontacable during the evening because I’ll be having a bloody lovely time. More on that nearer the time.

When this is all over, I will once again be extremely proud of what I’ve achieved and then have the more relaxed and enjoyable football season proper to look forward to as reward, but my god it takes some effort to get there.

When this is all over, I’ll be Stokes at the post-match presentation. Head’s gone, body’s gone, but it’ll be worth it. To paraphrase England’s captain, I’ve taken myself to some pretty dark places, but if managing multiple photography commitments with greater pressure than usual around a full-time job and the editing of a Club Handbook doesn’t get you excited, I don’t know what does.

(I probably sound like a spoilt brat. I really will reiterate it’s such a privilege to have these opportunities, but I’ll reflect on that in August)